frenchpony (frenchpony) wrote,
frenchpony
frenchpony

  • Music:

Unhappy Pony

My head is not in a good place tonight.

It's happening again. The black thing is starting to creep in at the very edges of my mind. I can feel it, and I'm so scared right now. I think it started sometime this afternoon. It felt like I was encased in a glass box, the kind that mimes pretend to be trapped in, only it felt like it was really there, and no matter how much I screamed, no one could hear me. It felt like the cottony pressure you get in an ear that's infected so you can't hear except dimly. There's something between me and the world. I can't break through it. And I'm trapped in this little space now, and the black thing is trapped here with me.

It wants to come in my mind, but I won't let it. I went to the music library tonight after fencing practice, even though I had homework I could be doing. I went to the music library and listened to an LP of fiddle reels, just to fight off the black thing. I don't dare stop the music. If I do, the black thing will come all the way in. I'm frightened, and I don't like being frightened. I wish I were braver.

One of my colleagues was very sweet and took a walk with me to the corridor outside the music library. I think it was difficult for him to do that, because I'm not an easy person to be with when this happens. He had a little advice, which was only sort of useful, but he meant well, and he listened, which was much more important. I hope he won't hate me tomorrow for that.

I've been fighting the black thing so hard today. I want to curl up in my bed and go to sleep, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I lie down, I'll cry. No one would hear me. It's just me and the black thing and my fiddle reels right now. As long as the music plays, the black thing won't take over.

I'm so scared.

I'll shut up now.
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