1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Two words prevent me from choosing George Bush, and those two words are: President Cheney. Failing that, I might go with Osama bin Laden. The explosion will at least give our military a clue as to where he is. Or, was.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?
The band that played at the last wedding I went to.
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Oh, let's line 'em all up. Starting with (University) President Zimmer, the leadership of our gamelan, and the yo-yos in Springfield who won't authorize money for the CTA.
4. What is your favorite cheese?
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?
Tomato, basil, and mozarella on a ciabatta roll dressed with balsamic vinegar.
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?
8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?
A new backpack, a couple of bras, and the DVD of 1776.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
Twinings Irish Breakfast Tea.
11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
To the town of Zhitomir in Ukraine, on the day that my great-grandparents, Louis and Esther, were about to bestow the name Haman upon their son. And I will ask them what the hell they were thinking.
12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
You do not talk about Fight Club.
13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?
A snarkalicious dramedy about graduate school.
14. What is your favorite curse word?
15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?
Briefly ponder the source of the noise (since the mummies aren't doing anything to cause it), realize that it was probably my toilet ghost, evict the mummies, make a mental note to call the janitor regarding the toilet ghost sometime when I have a spare moment (i.e. in about three weeks), and go back to bed.
16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?
There's a fire extinguisher on the first landing of my stairwell.
17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
The Angel of Death that will come for me is Jewish. The Jewish Angel of Death is not quite as bright as a burnt-out lightbulb. I therefore spend three minutes thinking of a way to get out of this predicament, twenty-two minutes implementing it, and the remaining five minutes treating myself to a well-earned rum-and-Coke.
18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The moment, eight years ago, when I was reunited with a friend I hadn't seen in several years.
20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
The time that Peter Johnson cracked my head against a wall, my teacher chewed me out for fighting, and the school principal called us both into his office to inform Peter that there would be no consequences.
21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?
Canada might be fun. I've never been there.
22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
Moody's Pub in Edgewater.
23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"
24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?